Part 12: Hunting

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A hunting we will go, a hunting we will go…. such a cliche, isn’t it? but true. Once a week I was being asked by my Russian friends “let’s go hunting.” So casual too… imagine going to a bar, meeting some people for the first time and saying “Let’s go kill something this weekend.”

After 2 years I finally bit the bullet (see what I did there) and I tossed the thought around in my head; can I do this, am I this kind of person, am I not a conservationist, is this morally correct… the list goes on and on.

Why is hunting so taboo?

 It’s not poaching. Remember when the whole of UK and France were upset because certain beef products turned out to be horse? - what do you expect? If you don’t see what’s going down in the slaughterhouse, sorry, abattoir, you don’t know where your meat is coming from. That’s the risk of trusting a label. Don’t even get me started on McDonald's. Before I give you my final answer - let’s go through the process of going hunting in Russia.

 Firstly, there are hunting seasons. You can’t just walk out the door, into a forest and shoot something. If you want to go through the whole list of game; check out this link http://www.russianhunting.com/hunting-in-russia
But from first person perspective here’s how it goes down: Assuming you have your hunting camouflage, gear, ridiculous hat, gun, the next step is an early start. 6 am wakeup.

 We arrive at the hunting grounds, handing over necessary documents (yes you need to prove who you are, have necessary licences, etc.) and from there you sit in a room full of dead animals staring back at you while you eat a little breakfast, drink coffee and prepare for what’s about to go down. We are all on this old army type of truck, semi-converted to be 5% more comfortable.

8 of us. All guys are psyched. They’ve been drinking vodka all night, getting themselves psyched up, some of them have got these guns that are like cannons, you know that could shoot a squirrel on Britney Spears’s shoulder or something. I got a double-barrelled rifle. 

2 shots. That’s all you’re entitled to. 2 shots, 2 pieces of meat. Driving through the forest, along a dirt track. Early traces of winter. The first place we stop at, we need to walk through some bushes to stand on these wooden hunting platforms. Rule is simple; if it has horns or tusks, shoot it. Shoot in the direction he tells you to, and lastly, don’t shoot the crew who are helping to wrangle the wildlife in your direction. The first platform was uneventful; and the second… the funny thing is I said to my father-in-law; “this is how you put on a good show. You build the anticipation and then third time around you see something.” It’s showmanship 101. And I was 100% right. It was my first time. With 1 bullet I shot and killed a 160kg male Elk. Could have weighed more, who knows. But there are so many emotions once that trigger is pulled.

But the overall concept of whether or not a person can or cannot do this; my feeling is that your mind is made up the second you walk through the door of a place like this. Hunter, or Gatherer? There’s no room for apology. And there’s no room for guilt. This animal exists to be shot and eaten - otherwise there would be a mall here instead of a beautiful forest, and him and his 2000 cousins wouldn’t exist. Imagine eating a steak across the table from the man who killed it and telling him off for it. It seems in a modern world, the necessity to kill has been passed on to someone else. We don’t all live on farms anymore. We don’t have to feed Bessy the cow for 2 years then slit her throat. Out of sight, out of mind. If you’re not a vegetarian… shut up, basically.

Of course following this was the usual male camaraderie; drink this vodka, handshakes, but I don’t let it detract from the humbling moment myself and the animal shared. It feels like something from another time. Some question and answer of being confident and being on top of the food chain.

Now I give the experience as a whole 8/10. Why only 8, you ask, well when I’m told I’m going hunting, I’ve got a Wilbur Smith adventure novel in my head; there’s going to be some wild bushman teaching me how to dip my fingers in shit, bits of fur left on a branch, just to track animals. The experience was not that. It was; stand on this platform while we chase an animal into your line of fire. Then it comes down to purely accuracy. That part I’ve got down. But I was hoping to learn more about how to follow through the forest, chase the male buck all day… you get the idea. They even clean the animal for you. I was ready to get down and do the dirty work, but fortunately they had trained professionals there.

Would I do it again? I would. I would even suggest for someone to do it. There will be warnings, make no mistake, but I would say there is something in it. The world needs hunters. Otherwise give up steak. One thing I would like to touch up on is; I didn’t pull that trigger until I was absolutely certain. How many people wielding guns in this world can say that? How many gangsters are out there acting bigshot sticking guns in peoples faces with no respect for what they are carrying. They say a gun gets lighter the more you carry it, but heavier the more you use it. I’m not saying take all the kids from juvi-prison hunting, that’s a bad idea, what I am saying is after this experience that I had more of a respect and regard for life.

Don’t rip off something you haven’t tried.
Check out my books here: www.jamesbrough.com

Part 11: Documents

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It’s not the imitation game, it’s the document game.

Many people have asked for this blog Opus Dei that I’m about to unfold, so take a seat. You’re sitting? Good.

So you want to immigrate to Russia?

You have near maxed out your passport on pages (I don’t have a single blank page left as I write this.) You are ready to take that I-don’t-care-about-sanctions-or-speaking-English-so-much step! Some of us are lucky; our place of work can do all the paperwork for us, if we are immigrating for work purposes.

Some of us are not so lucky; you and your other half (who is native Russian) have decided to make this 3 year visa and take on the burden yourselves. Somewhere in that brain of yours, this is a good, profitable idea. After all - millions of people run into Moscow every week, because apparently that’s where all the money is to be made. I’m focusing on the 2nd one;

 PART 1: (Assuming you have done all the translations of your passport, have a copy of your wedding certificate, an apostille from your native country proving that you are not a criminal that also needs to be translated, etc). It all begins at this place; you make an appointment, show up to door number 16 or 64, at the set times they tell you. Here there is no queuing system. It’s very simply walk in, wait for one person with their eyes wider than everyone else to look at you, and you realise that you are next in line behind that person. The main problem is; there is no line. There’s no ticket system, just a door that opens and closes like some 6th grade high school principal meeting with disgruntled parents. An aggressive-looking woman will take your details, make a copy of your passport and give you a form to take the necessary tests.

PART 2: You are asked to go to a hospital to give a urine sample. Note that this sample is then taken in for testing. This building is no where near the building from Part 1.

PART 3: The aids test. If you have aids you can’t become Russian. That’s not to say that there are Russians who do not have aids. Again this test is done somewhere else; another building that is nowhere near the buildings from Part 1 or Part 2. Nope not even walking distance. Now that that is done, the sample gets sent off and you have to wait for the results.

PART 4: The results are in! Now you need to go back to the building in Part 2 and Part 3 to retrieve these documents to give it back to the woman from Part 1.

PART 5: First you have to pay for all these tests and the right to apply; this is done in another building in some other part of Moscow that is different from Part 1, 2 and 3.

PART 6: Now you are back at the building in Part 1, seeing the same person you saw originally, and she/he accepts your offerings. But now the person who is applying needs fingerprints done.

PART 7: The police station is only open to take fingerprints at set times - something like Wednesdays and fridays from 10am until 1pm. You would think that wanting to have your fingerprints done would be easy (after all, criminals get their prints done all the time) but to catch this man at the set times takes a bit of patience. By the way, the police station is nowhere near any of the buildings from Part 1, 2, 3 and 5.

PART 8: Return to woman in the building from Part 1. Now it is sit and wait for 6 months until it comes through (during which time the woman will not contact you, you have to phone and find out.) It is my best advice to hound them; My temporary residence was issued in July and I received it late December. That’s 6 months of my 3 year residency used up. And let me be clear that when we called and asked if there was any way they could speed up the process they openly suggested we pay $1000 to them to get it done instantly. Yup, bribery. The truth was it was ready, and they were looking to scam an honest couple. I'm sure they'll deny, of course, and it's my blog words against theirs.

PART 9: Now you have a Temporary Residence permit for three years! Yeah! That should be it, right? Right? No. Now you need the actual VISA. Go to the nearest council in your neighbourhood Russia, and they print it onto a blank page in your passport - takes about 8 days.

PART 10: Now it’s really over, right? I can rest now for 3 years? No. Now you need a stamp once a year from the building in Part 5.

PART 11: To become a permanent resident would be the next step after this; this is a whole new board game which requires you to pass a Russian exam. If I ever decide to make that leap I will gladly fill you in with the step-by-step process. Peace out and buy my books - they’re awesome! :)

Check out my books here: www.jamesbrough.com