Part 2: Russian TV

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This is always a powerful topic in the household. What to watch in Russia? So many options… let’s see… the badly dubbed movie, where all the men and women sound the same. Perhaps the dubbed episodes of FRIENDS, where Rachel sounds like a man, would take your fancy? The endless Russian comedy (oxymoron time) channel, or even the world’s longest reality show; Dom 2.
I’m not a fan of dubs. You don’t get the performance the actor is offering with dubbed audio. I even watched the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movies in its native form with subtitles.
In Russia, no subtitles. They dub it. You can sometimes hear the English track beneath the Russian audio. Feel free to scream now. Some cinemas offer English with Russian subs, but regular TV? Heh heh, no.
So… what’s on?

Dom 2: The world’s longest running reality show. A group of men and women are trapped in a giant house. Orginally they were supposed to be building a house (“dom” is Russian for “home”), but the house is finished, so now they just film these couples lazing about the pool when it’s not winter.
No joke. A house full of Russians yelling and bashing each other.
Watch one episode, I dare you. You will see women get physically assaulted, and a slap at the very least.
One character in particular was strangling his wife on this show. When they leave this house and ultimately divorce, there is not a defence lawyer in the world that will touch his case… not with 13 million witnesses, anyway.
I’m told it’s a posers show. The girls all show off their style and the men are buffed monsters. No matter how bad their personality (sometimes the dumber they are) the richer they will be when they leave the house.

Comedy Woman:Russians have lots of comedy on TV. A plethora of comedy, you might say. Strange that Russians are notorious for the stone/straight face demeanour that the West imagine.
I think I know why.
Majority of Russian comedy consists of yelling. Lots of yelling. The louder they shout, the more laughs they get.
This isn’t comedy.
One show in particular relies on the stage/sketch pieces. No improv, just rehearsed laughs and “gags” that they think people should laugh at. It’s a group of women led by a skinny bald man (a mad scientist’s assistant looking fellow) and it’s called Comedy Woman. I’m going to leave it there.

Morning Show:Speaking of mad scientists, everyone in Russia knows this lady; Elena Malysheva;
her experiments are, how can I put this, colourful (for me, THIS is comedy), trying to tell us things about our internal organs that just aren’t true at all. The best part is the crazy hypnotic eyes she tries to give the audience (Rasputin, anyone?).

John Warren: I have to say, John is a personal hero of mine. He basically denounced his Britness and has gone full-blown Russian. He was two Russian shows (that I know of), he is annoyingly fluent at Russian (without a trace of an accent, I’m assured), but still the locals call him Englishman.
If he’s Englishman, that’s basically saying he’s James Bond and I’m Johnny English.
John is a legend. I admire him completely. I would make him the next Russian president if I could. His shows are engaging and interesting, my only qualm with him, I can honestly say, is that he goes around trying different Russian dishes and calls everything “tasty.” Believe me, from experience, it’s not.

Rip-offs: For those familiar with Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Russia has an almost direct rip-off with a local celeb, Ivan Urgant. He is funny, it’s just unnerving that he has copied the American set, even acting a la carte American talk show host style.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s a likeable character, and he has all the big Hollywood names that are brave enough (or desperate enough for the attention) to venture this side and realise that American propaganda has been lying to them all along about what Russia is really like.
The next rip-off is a medical comedy called “Interns.” You guessed it, it’s the Russian version of Scrubs. I’m yet to sit still through an entire episode, but I’m assured the main doctor is a (yikes) sex symbol in Russia, and has had a few wives already. Get them in while you can, I guess.
Thanks for reading and check out my books!

Part 1: The Language Barrier

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When I first arrived in Moscow, I would take a seat in the restaurant and the waitrons would avoid me like the plague.
I'm an Englishman in Russia. I'm part of the minority.
It's strange to know that they aren't trying to be rude, they are just scared to talk to me.
It's a necessity for Russian restaurants to have an English menu, but having an English waiter is another matter entirely. Often you will see the waiters tripping over themselves to find someone who can understand this strange alien.
The bizarre thing is I guarantee they all own clothing that has some English expression or words on it. In the subway are English advertisements. Then why is the only phrase most Russians remember is "London is the capital of Great Britain?"
I've even asked Russian strangers if they speak English, to which they reply to me in English; "no I don't speak English."
Russians study English in school for 10 years- you still can't speak it? Really?
The older generation I can forgive, but the younger generation it comes across as a tad ignorant (coming from  a semi-old dog learning a new trick.)

I've written more than five books (Save the World Academy). It's safe to say I know a thing or two about English grammar. Though Russians learn English in school, their grammar and pronunciation is not ideal. They drag out their H's with a guttural sound (example; Harry Potter is Gary Potter) and they tend to replace 'th' with a prolonged 's' sound ( "I sink" instead of "I think.") The average Russian suffers from this as a result of the public school system. Their English teachers are not exactly Mr Belvedere (or native English) and pass on their bad habits to the pupils.  In other words a Russian is teaching them English.
For arguments sake though, we can say most Russians know the fundamentals of English but suffer from lack of practice, or are either too embarrassed to speak. They love English songs... Don't they know what the person is saying? I'm also guilty of singing the las ketchup song but that's one in a thousand, not a thousand over one.
Russians with a high command of English are clearly privately tutored (as that's where all the money is; £50 an hour session I'm told.)
The fact they are learning English tells me they are thinking ahead (God knows the British could stand to learn Russian rather than some simpler languages.)
Russian words themselves seem so long and dragged out you know for a fact you won't be able to recall it. It took me six months to say the metro station I lived nearest to.
Next is manners.
From a casual observer, it would appear that Russians are verbally mannerless. This isn't the case. Their language has a formal and informal. The formal automatically implies politeness without having to add "please" and "thank you" as often as the Brits do. It’s often bizarre to hear when Russian friends will say things like “give me this” instead of “can you please give me this.”
Lastly, Russians tend to discuss things very heatedly. It looks like they are arguing to an English speaker, but in fact they are just discussing. Must be all the raised tonality that confuses me.

Further observation required :) Thanks for reading and check out www.jamesbrough.com